Going Nucular

My, what a busy week. I wasn't sure how I would choose one topic from the many I'd been keeping notes on. Then, as I was sitting down to write this week's post, someone sent the following. It tickled me so much I scrapped my other ideas.

No credit was given for authorship, so I'll just say thanks, Matt.

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New element discovered in D.C. area

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Bushcronium."

Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 824 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 911.

These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. The symbol for Bushcronium will be W; tungsten will now be Tu.

Bushcronium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons in a Bushcronium molecule, forming multiple isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, probably because it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

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Please let me know if you will or will not be playing hoops this weekend. We tip off at 8:00 a.m., as usual.