Drinking the sand

A Mormon president? A woman? An African-American? Fuhgeddaboutit. The most controversial candidate, it turns out, may be the old goat with the hot wife.

It didn't take long for pundits to find something juicy—being merely unqualified is so deathly dull—for which to zing Fred Thompson. "Is America ready for the president with the trophy wife?" asks Susan Saulny in the New York Times.

I, for one, say "Yes!" I, for one, am ready for a president who perhaps drinks a little too much, who doesn't exercise as much as he should, and who, God bless him, has a sexy wife. Maybe even a little sumthin'-sumthin' on the side.

Gawd, I'm so tired of character. Blech. Gimme a candidate who cusses a bit too much, who has a hobby he spends too much money on (an old car would be cool, as would collecting comic books). Give me someone a little salty, earthy, crude even. Someone with warts and a temper, like LBJ. (An I.Q. above 80 and respect for the Constitution would also be welcome, but I don't want to get greedy.)

You know who would make a great candidate right now? Nixon. Now there was an agreeably stimulating politician. Intelligent, cunning, dirty, insecure. A terrible president, sure, but interesting.

By the way, did you see the best-ever Nixon document released this week? Following the National Archives recent takeover—and re-tooling—of the Richard Nixon Library, a flood of Nixon-related documents are coming out. The best is an 11-page memo—you read that right—to chief of staff H.R. Haldeman urging White House staffers to promote Nixon's "warmth." It is a must-read, and absolutely trumps any other 11-page memo you care to put it up against.

See? Colorful. That's what I'm talking about.

Lewis: People want leadership, Mr. President, and in the absence of genuine leadership, they'll listen to anyone who steps up to the microphone. They want leadership. They're so thirsty for it they'll crawl through the desert toward a mirage, and when they discover there's no water, they'll drink the sand.

President Shepherd: Lewis, we've had presidents who were beloved, who couldn't find a coherent sentence with two hands and a flashlight. People don't drink the sand because they're thirsty. They drink the sand because they don't know the difference.

—The American President, 1995

The only colors you need to worry about tomorrow are white and black—the two sides of your reversible St. John's Hoops jersey. We tip off at 8:00 a.m. See you there.