Caffiend

This correspondent has gone on record against torture, except that which occurs between consenting adults. While the prevarications of certain presidential candidates and the new attorney general are troubling, what most upsets me is how little distinction the MSM draws between truly horrifying and illegal interrogation techniques and equally intense but voluntary practices. I'm speaking, of course, of coffeeboarding.

For those unfamiliar, coffeeboarding is a procedure during which the subject is stretched flat on a board (such as a desk) which is reclined backward a few degrees. A #2 filter is placed over his mouth and nose and steaming hot Breakfast Blend is poured over his face. The hot coffee fills his mouth and nose, where the caffeine is quickly absorbed by sensitive sinus tissue. He experiences a disorienting rush of excitement, alertness, and creativity. Cream?

The last five years of the War on Tired have seen a marked increase in bedwetting, nightmares, and what experts call "chatter." While some might take issue with drastic measures such as coffeeboarding, it's undeniable that it has helped countless citizens who would otherwise be at risk of surliness, unemployment, or accidentally crossing the median. One man's pain is another man's pick-me-up.

Speaking of pick-up: How about a game at St. John's tomorrow? We tip off at 8:00 a.m., as usual. Please let me know if you will or will not be there.

(Psst. This one's for you, Sis.)

O give thanks

Dear Lord, thank you for this blessed day, spent in the warm if occasionally offputting embrace of loved ones. Thank you for this bounty, these steaming fowl carcasses, these potatoes so lovingly run through Mom's food mill until they reach the consistency of edible velvet. Thank you for the smell of onions and celery that permeates this house. Thank you for this bottomless jug of gravy, which pools in the center of my plate and forms a small lake into which the other foodstuffs gradually slide, except the cranberries, which are in a small bowl off to the side.

Thank you for the cheap pink wine Dad always buys, which causes eyes to roll but somehow is always just right with this meal, especially after four glasses. Thank you for this tingly feeling.

Thank you, Lord, for pie, the most exalted of all food groups. This rich array of desserts—pumpkin, apple, cherry—is truly life-giving and life-affirming, especially when buried under a pile of whipped cream. Speaking of which, thank you for cream and for its cousin butter, without which this holiday would barely exist.

Thank you for Tubby Smith, Father, who although he is not at our table today is in our hearts. Thank you for his talented assistants, for his thick and creative playbook, for his extensive knowledge of special situations and his clock management skills. Thank you for the best recruiting class in 30 years, especially those two guys over 6'10". That is truly awesome.

Thank you for Derek Boogard and his mighty fists.

Thank you for the NFL team that calls our city home. It may not be the best NFL team, but it is ours and we love it, even though its coach repeatedly calls plays that guarantee a five-yard gain on third-and-seven. What is up with that, Lord? Anyway, thank you that we are not Memphis or Portland or San Antonio or some other major-market city without a team.

Thank you for the rich array of entertainments that allow us to retreat within ourselves and avoid uncomfortable degrees of human interaction. Thank you for iPods and for Firefox and for ESPN.com and for Netflix. Thank you for Rainbow Play Systems. Thank you for melatonin, which is perfectly legal. Thank you for keeping this a two-newspaper town. Thank you for YouTube. Thank you for Dennis Kucinich and Ron Paul.

Thank you that we didn't buy that house, which had abundant closet space but would have totally bankrupted us. Thank you for Statoil, which is up 13% this year while the S&P 500 is up only 4%. Thank you for our new bank, where all the tellers are over 40 and remember our names and always give our kids toys and suckers at the drive-through window.

Thank you for the hardest-working Missus in all the land. Thank you for the faith that these children will eventually turn out all right, and will not grow up to be sadists and axe murderers, especially the boy.

Most of all, Lord, and I mean this, thank you for hoops at St. John's. Thank you for continued access to the best gym in the whole city. Thank you for these fellows, many of whom were playing at age 30 and are still playing at age 40. Thank you for the durability of my anterior cruciate ligament. Thank you for this Saturday's game, which will do so much to alleviate the ill effects of all that gravy which, again, I really want to thank you for. Thank you that everyone is kind enough to let me know whether they will or will not be playing this weekend. Thank you that even with so many loved ones and all their suitcases and junk still here we will tip off at 8:00 a.m. on Saturday, as usual.

Amen.

Hot When Heated Dept.

It's a small point, but I'm afraid I must insist on correct usage of the TLA FAQ. FAQ stands for "frequently asked questions." By definition an FAQ document is a compilation of questions that have been asked so frequently it has become expedient to document and distribute both the questions and their answers. An FAQ document should not represent the very first time the questions have ever been posed, to wit, this workplace memo submitted by a correspondent today:

We need volunteers! Westwood Bank will be participating in the Habitat for Humanity Gift Wrapping Event at Apache Mall on Friday, December 14th. Attached is an FAQ for gift wrapping volunteers:

Do I need to be experienced?
It is important to know how to wrap a gift.

What will the volunteers do?
One volunteer will greet, take the order, take the donation and return the gifts after they have been wrapped.

Should I bring anything?
We will have everything at the booth. There will only be 1 or 2 chairs available, however, so if you need to sit you should bring a folding chair. Hopefully you will be so busy wrapping that you will not have time to sit.

Please let me know by Wednesday if you are willing to help.

Thanks,
Barb

No, what we have here is an AQYMHRSYHAFT—Answers to Questions You Might Have Regarding Something You're Hearing About for the First Time. You see the difference.

Here's the most FAed Q at SJH: Will you or won't you be playing ball this weekend? We tip of at 8:00 tomorrow, as usual. Please let me know if you will or will not be there.

Patching the servers

Matt Etzell lovingly sends this memo, circulated at his company:

Due to the new Daylight Savings Time starting next week, you may experience issues with meeting times in Outlook being off by 1 hour. We are patching the servers and your computer which should alleviate most of the issues resulting in this change. However, starting next week, please verify your meeting schedules for the next 3 weeks in order to ensure you have the correct time for your meeting. Microsoft has suggested putting the time of your meeting in the Subject lines of your meeting requests in order to avoid confusion.

For more information from Microsoft on the new Daylight Saving Time, please click on the following link:

http://support.microsoft.com/?id=195900

You might also put duct tape over any idle USB ports on your PC to prevent viruses.

At St. John's we've been defying the Daylight Savings Time changeover by getting started at half past the hour. How about we strive to actually tip off at 8:00 a.m. this week, as used to be usual. (To further keep things moving along, I'm leaving the kids at home this week.)

Please let me know if you will or will not be playing.