Caffiend

This correspondent has gone on record against torture, except that which occurs between consenting adults. While the prevarications of certain presidential candidates and the new attorney general are troubling, what most upsets me is how little distinction the MSM draws between truly horrifying and illegal interrogation techniques and equally intense but voluntary practices. I'm speaking, of course, of coffeeboarding.

For those unfamiliar, coffeeboarding is a procedure during which the subject is stretched flat on a board (such as a desk) which is reclined backward a few degrees. A #2 filter is placed over his mouth and nose and steaming hot Breakfast Blend is poured over his face. The hot coffee fills his mouth and nose, where the caffeine is quickly absorbed by sensitive sinus tissue. He experiences a disorienting rush of excitement, alertness, and creativity. Cream?

The last five years of the War on Tired have seen a marked increase in bedwetting, nightmares, and what experts call "chatter." While some might take issue with drastic measures such as coffeeboarding, it's undeniable that it has helped countless citizens who would otherwise be at risk of surliness, unemployment, or accidentally crossing the median. One man's pain is another man's pick-me-up.

Speaking of pick-up: How about a game at St. John's tomorrow? We tip off at 8:00 a.m., as usual. Please let me know if you will or will not be there.

(Psst. This one's for you, Sis.)