"It's all right... It's okay..."

That line, mumbled from the front seat of a filthy Oldmobile, is from the horror movie "Coven," subject of the documentary "American Movie." A different horror show is playing out in Detroit and in Congress this week as executives from the so-called "Big Three" automakers appeal for public money (or at least government loan guarantees, same diff) to keep their sinking businesses afloat a while longer.

In a radio interview Wednesday morning, Representative Barney Frank defended the possibility of such a gift by saying the automakers would be held accountable: Each would be required to submit a "plan" showing how they would turn their businesses around, make good on the loans, and return their companies to profitability.

Inexplicably, the reporter failed to ask the obvious question: If the automakers could come up with such a plan, wouldn't they have already done so? As it is, like the Chinese government under Mao, automakers seem forever to be in the midst of another "five-year plan."

In fact, a "rescue plan" for the automakers, for every business, already exists. It's called bankruptcy. Under bankruptcy protection the automakers would be able to do that which they must do to improve their chances for survival: Restructure their debt, renegotiate their union contracts, and improve their operations. Businesses do it all the time. Some, like American Airlines, emerge healthier. Others don't emerge at all. They fail, as they should. That's capitalism. If you can't produce a product the market wants and sell it for more than it costs to make it, you will go out of business.

It's important to remember that the "auto industry" is not failing. Although sales are down virtually across the board, some American-made cars (like my Honda) are selling very well. It is only those marques that have emphasized large, low-milage vehicles for the past decade (coincidentally, those HQ'd in the USA) that are in danger of insolvency.

This may be upsetting, but it is not unusual. From 1900 to 1925, there were more than 3,000 automobile start-ups in the United States. Over the last 50 years, brands like Packard, Studebaker, AMC, Oldsmobile and Plymouth vanished. Would anyone mourn the Pontiac Vibe?

Market share is not guaranteed. It's earned . . . and lost. If the government steps in to assist every business that through its own bad decisions and lack of foresight has failed to position itself to profitably meet the needs of a changing market, the government itself would go under.

Come to think of it, that might not be such a bad thing.

---

Please let me know if you will or will not be playing hoops at St. John's tomorrow. We tip off at 8:00 a.m., as usual.

Hey, Number Eight! You suck!

Did you have a good day Saturday, Number Eight? Did you sleep in? Get a lot done around the house?

What did you do, rake? Yeah, get that fall yardwork done first thing in the morning. Not like you don't have the whole rest of the weekend. Get that fall fertilizer down? Good for you. Yessir, gotta love Saturday morning. Nothing but free time.

Us? Not much. Met up at the gym. Just the seven of us.

What was it you did again? You say you vacuumed? Did you put on your little Merry Maids outfit and clean the house, Nancy Boy? Maybe did the grocery shopping? Is that it? Stop at Sam's Club, didja? Get some paper towels and pop and giant-size cheese corn?

We just played some hoops over at St. John's. Just the seven us, so . . . Little three on three, work up a sweat, get out of there. You know. But, except you don't know because you were at a craft show with your wife or . . . What was it, again? Had to run some movies back to Blockbuster or something?

Anyway, it was fun. We were hoping to have at least eight, you know, what with the new Eighth Man Award and all. Kind of a fun idea. But, no, it was just the seven of us. So we played threes. But that was cool.

We'll be there again tomorrow, if you're up for it. I mean if you're literally up. Know you like your Zs. We tip at 8:00, as usual. If you're not all tuckered out from, you know, whatever you're doing tonight. Just hanging out? Maybe watch some tube? Cool. So maybe you'll be up for it. Let me know.

You know, if you're not busy.