A few of the fine products available from Sam's Club.

Sticky Situation

Faithful readers will recall my complicated relationship with Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. and its subsidiary Sam's Club. Taken in by the latter's insidious combination of excellent, low-priced merchandise; clean, well-lit stores; and friendly, helpful staff, I was buffaloed into ponying up the $35 annual membership fee. Now I frequently stagger home weighed down by plus-sized products that would look more at home in a funhouse than in our panty.

This reality collided this morning with another, that of a 28-month-old loose in Yaeger Manor. The missus, who would quit Sam's Club but for her dependency on the 32-oz. Grade A maple syrup for $6.99, called with the following advice: Don't leave aforementioned 28-month-old alone with aforementioned syrup.

"You have syrup!" he shouted upstairs. In our house a shout of "You have..." followed by anything other than a pet name for a favorite toy is cause for alarm. (Code Red status is reserved for "fire estinwisher," "mecidine," and "your sister.")

I'm sure nothing makes the spirit of Sam Walton (R.I.P.) happier than knowing that somewhere right now a child is enjoying a pancake with a cup and a half of pure Grade A maple syrup. And that his mother used a half a roll of Bounty -- $6.99 for 12 rolls! -- to clean up the mess.

Reminder: No hoops tonight. We move to Saturday mornings at 8:00 a.m. beginning this Saturday, October 30. Let me know if you will or will not be playing.

Where is last week's post, "MVP: Schoenherr, who else?" I have no idea! I'm trying to recover it. I suspect one way or another the trail will lead to Bentonville.

Tournament Headcount: Divisible by Three!

Current roster for October 20 celebration: 24 players PLUS official scorekeeper and line judge Matt Thurber and a handful of Savoy-only party crashers. Excellent!

Strange, though, how many people have declined citing previously unheard of age-related maladies. What does this auger for our 20-year anniversary tournament?

Is that a banana in the president's ear?

While Bush gets ready to play Mr. Pibb (more sugar) to Kerry's Dr. Pepper (advanced degree) in tonight's debate, be sure to watch for The Bulge. If you don't know what I'm talking about, hie yourself over to www.isbushwired.com to catch up on the latest conspiracy craze sweeping the fringes of American political life. Then over to Slate for a more sober assessment of the situation.

Would it bother you if an operative were secretly whispering the "answers" -- or at least the right pronunciation -- in a candidate's ear during a live presidential debate? Is it any different from a TelePrompTer? Or a catcher signaling the pitch most likely to befuddle the batter? Is all fair in politics, and should the debaters use any tools at their disposal to improve their performances? Maybe steroids? Or Botox?

The debates are so tightly scripted now -- about as real as any "reality" show -- it doesn't really matter, does it? In the end the whole exercise is just an excuse to watch the second sexiest man on television put the spectacle in context during the PBS post-game.

Anyway, red states and blue states are a lot less interesting than white shirts and dark shirts. Let me know if you plan to play hoops at St. John's tonight. We tip off at 6:30 p.m., as usual.

Added to the archives this week: Hobson's Choice, 18 Oct 2004

Slacker Update

Let's see... Who should be embarrassed today?

• Steve Balza
• Andy Buck
• Chuck Kloos
• Andy Schriner
• Scott Skaro
• Dave Unruh

The list goes on, but can you believe those people, with their long and storied histories at St. John's Hoops, have not yet RSVPd for the October 20 celebration?

For shame. (E-mail addresses handily linked above, so you can pile on!)

Schoenherr's coming. What's your problem?

Jeff "Sep" Schoenherr's coming up from New Ulm and staying overnight. Matt Thurber's coming. Matt Etzell's coming, and he's only got about a quarter of a good ankle between his two feet. So what's your problem?

The St. John's Hoops 10-year anniversary celebration is on Wednesday, October 20. The 3-on-3 tournament starts at 6:00 p.m., followed by merrymaking at Red's Savoy down the street. Here's a short list of people who should be embarrassed they haven't committed yet:

• Steve Balza
• Pat Imdieke
• Jim "Coach" Lee
• Chuck Kloos
• Marty Michael

At that's just a sampling. The rest of you, you know who you are. Don't make me post your names, call your wives, confront you in person at your offices.

RSVP today for the most fun you'll have this fall. Anyone who's ever trod the maple at St. John's is eligible -- nay, implored -- to participate.

St. Helen's 43%, Ivan 29%, Undecided 28%

Not that I wish harm to anyone, but I'm really rooting for Mount St. Helen's. Frankly, the hurricane is getting to be a bore. It's like being run down by a car moving at 0.5 mph. You watch for days and weeks as the storm -- the size of Texas! Gasp! -- crawls across the weather map, and when it finally does arrive we're treated to the same dull footage of Roland Hedley leaning into the gale while the wind bends the palms and whips his slicker. No, give me a volcano every time.

Is there a metaphor for last night's vice presidential debate in there somewhere, something about slow and steady winning the race? I dunno. So far this whole race is a lot of wind and not much magma. I can tell you my favorite moment of the debate, though: At one point moderator Gwen Ifill addressed John Edwards and he replied, "Yes, ma'am." There was something about that moment, a powerful, white southern man snapping to and addressing a black woman as "ma'am" on national television. Some changes come on slow, but they're hurricane force.

Tonight: Another opportunity to take your game to Class Five at St. John's. Let me know if you will or will not be playing. We tip off at 6:30 p.m., as usual.

Added to the archives this week:

It's Morning in Minnesota, 19 May 2004
For Our Records, 14 May 2004