Saturday, November 27: Hoops is on

We will be playing tomorrow, November 27, at 8:00 a.m. See you there!

Saturday, November 20: Game on!

Yes to hoops on Saturday, November 20. We tip off at 8:000 a.m. See you there!

Merger Math

Sears + Kmart = Montgomery Ward

Please, I beg you:

Will copywriters everywhere stop using the phrase "increasingly competitive global marketplace"?

Thank you.

You Can't Make This Stuff Up Dept.

"We have a seismic network set up for measuring and recording any events associated with the injection process."

That's a line of dialog that's usually uttered by a character who dies near the end of the first reel. Full story here.

Offer Fatigue

How would you like to get ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS for two minutes of work? That's right: 1,000 U.S. DOLLARS for TWO MINUTES of work? Sound too good to be true? It's not.

Here's all you have to do: Just post a message on my weblog, St. John's Hoops, and I'll send you ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS CASH. I'm so sure you'll enjoy the rich, online interaction with fellow wits and wags that I'll pay you COLD, HARD CASH just to try it.

But that's not all. I'm so confident you'll enjoy posting to St. John's Hoops again and again that I'll also include 1,000 FREE FONTS just for trying it. This is an offer you WON'T get anywhere else.

But wait! As if that's not a good enough reason to try posting to St. John's Hoops, I'll also give you a TWO MONTH SUPPLY OF VIAGRA absolutely FREE. There's no prescription needed, and I'll mail directly to your home or office.

And if you post now, I'll also throw in 1,000s of images of HOT NAKED CO-EDS. These are high-quality images you'll find NOWHERE else, not the same crappy thumbnails you've seen on other sites.

Think this offer couldn't possibly get better? Wrong! Post to St. John's Hoops today and I'll GUARANTEE THE LOWEST RATES AROUND. Don't even think about refinancing until you see our LOW, LOW RATES.

Still not convinced? Let me sweeten the pot with ONE MORE UNBELIEVABLE DEAL you won't find anywhere else: If you try St. John's Hoops within the next 20 minutes I'll include TEN MILLION DOLLARS -- TAX FREE! Thanks to a special arrangement with the exiled nephew of a former Nigerian dictator, I'm able to give you -- at absolutely NO RISK -- TEN MILLION DOLLARS in pure gold bouillon.

I GUARANTEE -- these are offers you absolutely WON'T FIND ANYWHERE ELSE.

Hoops at St. John's this Saturday at 8:00 a.m. Please let me know if you will or will not be there.

The base is not amused

Can I just tell you how many people told me Tuesday's post ("Memo from an Orange State") was not funny? There's little that becomes uncomfortable as quickly as having to explain a joke over and over, so let me put your mind at ease by stating unequivocally:

I did not vote for George Bush.

To those of you momentarily saddened by my failure to contribute to that cause, let me assure you:

I did not vote for John Kerry.

Did I "throw my vote away"? No. I'm one who believes a vote derives its value from the inner dialog it starts -- or ought to -- between you and your conscience, not from whether it adds to the bottom line of a winning candidate. The only way you can throw your vote away is not to exercise it.

But I'm also one who believes that this year, more than ever, a choice for either of the major party candidates amounted to little more than a choice to re-arrange the furniture or leave it the way it is. Sure, you can make the room look and feel a little different but it's all just the same old shiz.

The strident tone of the campaigns was more than anything a reflection of how hard the parties had to work to highlight the differences between the candidates. Seeking some peace, I took time off to visit the library this afternoon. The catalog said the book I was looking for was checked in, but it wasn't on the shelf. (Insert presidential metaphor here.) So I picked up Complete & Utter Failure: A Celebration of Also-Rans, Runners-Up, Never-Weres and Total Flops. Seems right for the day after an election somehow.

That Good-for-Nothing

It is a general Mistake to think the Men we like are good for every thing, and those we do not, good for nothing.

-- Lord Halifax

Memo from an Orange State

Ah, election day at last!

Did you vote yet? I sure did. My mind was made up a long time ago. Yessir! I voted for that goofy Texan, same as last time.

I love that guy, with his corny expressions and his squinty little eyes. I like his straight talk. I like that he's not afraid to swoop in blow up the baddies when they smack-talk the U.S. of A.

Knows what he believes in, that's for sure. Man of principle. Conviction. Knows how to lead.

No sir, you can't go wrong with a man like him. You can tell just by looking at him. He's got a sweet wife, good-looking kids. A family man all the way.

I know some folks think he's not the right kind of leader for these times, that his tendency to go it alone will be bad for America in the long run. But I don't care. I like having a cowboy in the hot seat. He makes the other candidates look like Elmer Fudd.

So here's to the next president of the United States: Ross Perot!

Added to the archives this week: A Public Service Message, 3 November 1998