"Geekiest thing I've ever seen"

Long time readers may be wondering why I've been silent on the subject of "Law & Order" for so long. My most recent dispatch on the subject was in 2001, when Elisabeth Rohm (insert umlaut) joined the cast as ADA Serena Southerlyn. (I had appropriated correspondent Bruce Holt's characterization of her as a "block of wood." My opinion has not softened much.)

I've been meaning to chime in on the recent addition of Dennis Farina as Det. Joe Fontana but the death this week of Jerry Orbach, the actor Farina replaced, means that will have to wait a bit longer.

I was reading one of the many obituaries of Orbach this morning when a comment set off alarm bells. "Orbach joined 'Law & Order' in 1995, its third season," wrote the wire reporter. Wait, thought I. Didn't he join in L&O in it's fourth season, replacing Paul Sorvino after his two-year stint?

I quickly consulted my own Law & Order Cast Timeline (copy available on request; "That may be the geekiest thing I've ever seen," someone told me recently). Sure enough, my records showed Orbach joining in season four.

But wait. Season four was Orbach's first full season. But how was Sorvino's character Det. Phil Cerreta disposed of? I remembered only that Sorvino quit L&O to play the lead in a doomed CBS cop drama, but not when he was written out. Could Orbach have been a mid-season replacement?

The internet to the rescue: Sure enough, Sorvino's character was offed in episode 51, a third of the way into season three. Orbach joined the cast the following week, bowing in November 1992.

So I'm partially vindicated: Orbach did join in the third season, but in 1992 not 1995 as Knight Ridder reported.

R.I.P., Lenny. Happy New Year, everyone. No hoops tomorrow.

Holiday eating tips

I don't often reproduce the work of others here. (I mean, not now. I used to, way back when. Man, did I plagiarize. But I digress.) Every once in a while someone else's words capture my thoughts so succinctly that I can't help but, well, rip them off. So with thanks to correspondent Carolyn Carpenter, I hereby submit for your consideration St. John's Hoops Holiday Eating Tips.

Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. [Ed. note: I actually use heavy whipping cream if on hand, half-and-half in a pinch.]

Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it, dig?

If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like chocolate-frosted cocoanut drops or Swedish meatballs or whatever's your bag, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes on the Nordstrom clearance rack. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

Now reread these tips. Start over, but hurry. January is just around the corner.

And remember this: Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO! What a ride!"

Hoops at St. John's tomorrow morning -- 8:00 a.m., as usual. Last chance to mix it up until 2006! Let me know if you will or will not be there.

Offensive

From correspondent Bob Root, Austin, Minn.

As I stood in the old McDonald's in Austin earlier this week I found myself at first frustrated and then angry at the utter chaos behind the counter. Nobody taking orders, food sitting on the counter for who knows who (no customers claiming it), the store kind of a mess. I was suddenly comforted, I even laughed out loud, as I remembered the "I'm Lovin' It" post. This was no Duke offense, this was -- oh my god, I've seen this before -- it's the vaunted Clem Haskins Gopher's offense!

Fry machine attendant and shake machine gal carrrying food back and forth to each other from one end of the counter to the other while the two cashiers set picks on the rest of the crew. The cooking staff all standing in one place looking like they're trying to get open but even if they could help the ball handlers aren't seeing them -- or us, for that matter. I started to look around for a shot clock, hoping I'd get possession sometime soon.

Wait, I see one! It's counting down! It's . . . Dang, just the deep-fryer, finishing some fries that might or might not make it to the customer.

Just when I thought maybe this wasn't even the Gopher offense but worse, the old Four Corners -- stall! -- there was a break. A defender (actually some 30-ish "manager") breaks from the back room, steals shakes, burgers, McNuggets, fries and lays them into the tray for delivery! He's everywhere, barking orders, delivering food, apologizing!

As I finally head to the table where Cheryl, her mom and the kids wait, Cheryl greets me with, "What were you laughing at? Nevermind. I probably don't want to know."

Thanks to the St. John's Hoops Blog for providing moments of sanity in an otherwise incompetent world.

Incentive

Not long ago I was sitting in a client meeting, launching into an introduction of our detailed two-month project plan. "Let me ask you something," the client interrrupted. "What would it take to double the scope of this project and finish it in two weeks?"

My colleague and I exchanged nervous glances.

"Can't be done," we told him. This was a slight departure from our usual response of, "No problem. We can do it."

"What's the issue?" he asked. "Is it a resource issue, what? Can you get some more people?"

"The issue is the time-space continuum," I told him. "You could be talking to the largest firm in the world," I told him, "and they would still tell you it couldn't be done."

"What if we gave you what you're asking for in your proposal and threw a $xx,xxx incentive bonus on top of it?"

"No problem. We can do it."

So these last couple weeks my kids are fatherless, all my library books are overdue, and my weblog posts have been a little weak. But you should see the poetry we're turning out for CrapTronics Inc.

What moves you enough to keep you away from St. John's? Nothing this week, I hope. The hoops has been good, but we've missed you. So why not get your priorities back in order and make an appearance? We tip off at 8:00 a.m. Saturday, as usual.