Holiday eating tips

I don't often reproduce the work of others here. (I mean, not now. I used to, way back when. Man, did I plagiarize. But I digress.) Every once in a while someone else's words capture my thoughts so succinctly that I can't help but, well, rip them off. So with thanks to correspondent Carolyn Carpenter, I hereby submit for your consideration St. John's Hoops Holiday Eating Tips.

Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. [Ed. note: I actually use heavy whipping cream if on hand, half-and-half in a pinch.]

Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it, dig?

If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like chocolate-frosted cocoanut drops or Swedish meatballs or whatever's your bag, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes on the Nordstrom clearance rack. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

Now reread these tips. Start over, but hurry. January is just around the corner.

And remember this: Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO! What a ride!"

Hoops at St. John's tomorrow morning -- 8:00 a.m., as usual. Last chance to mix it up until 2006! Let me know if you will or will not be there.