Check the label

Other things that might also be made of people:

• Ceiling tiles
• Mousepads
• Green Machine flavored Naked Juice
• Sweeping compound
• Döner kebab (pronounced "Donner," N.B.)
• Fillings
• Dave's Gourmet Hot Sauce & Garden Spray
• Crocs
• Matt Veseldahl's freaky composite basketball

You can see, feel and taste that last one for yourself tomorrow at St. John's. Please let me know if you will or will not be playing this weekend. We tip off at 8:00 a.m., as usual.

Aren't they cute?

Today marks the 15th installment in the SJH Better Parenting series. During the course of this series many people have approached me and said, "Steve, you are such an awesome parent. How can I be like you?" Well, the short answer is: You can't. Extensive hypnotherapy, combined with heavy chemical use, have empowered me to be uniquely sanguine in the face of even the most harrowing parenting situations.

But take heart. You can take steps to be a better parent, and you can do it without the frustration, rage, and court orders that so often bog us down.

Today's tip is a simple one, and one that is often overlooked. If in the course of a given situation you find yourself at a dead-end, unable to arrive at an agreeable solution or resolve the tension with your child, simply move this item up in your mental checklist. You will soon find yourself moving forward with a fresh outlook and healthier perspective.

Parenting Tip #15: Look under the sofa cushions, because they probably hid something there, too.

Whether it's the car keys, your checkbook, or the spatula that was right there one !@#$%^ minute ago, a quick peek under the cushions may be all it takes to get back on track. Before you know it you'll be on the road, paying the babysitter, or flipping that now rock-hard fried egg.

Next week: The roof: It's easier to get to than you think.

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Please let me know if you will or will not be playing hoops at St. John's this weekend. We tip off at 8:00 a.m. Saturday, as usual. Bring the kids!

Talkin' 'bout my generation

The Missus called my office about two weeks before the wedding.

"I'm looking at the bridal registry online," she said. "I'm not sure what to get."

"It's not a big deal," I said. "We don't know them that well. Just get them a set of towels."

"There aren't any towels," said the Missus.

"Well, just get a place setting. Or the blender."

"No," she said. "You don't understand. There isn't anything like that."

"Just pick something that's around $50 and be done with it," I said.

"But the stuff that's on here, it's . . . it's different."

"Different how? What kind of stuff?"

"'Shrek The Third' for PlayStation2."

"Come again?"

"Also the 'Guitar Hero 2' wireless controller for Xbox 360."

"Get out."

"I am not making this up," she said. "'My Name Is Earl: The Complete First Season' on DVD."

"On a bridal registry?"

I'm from a different generation already, I guess. Sure we joked about registering at Audio King or loading up the registry with indulgences like velvet smoking jackets or practicalities like motor oil. But in the end we went to Dayton's and picked out the dishes and appliances and towels and sheets we knew we'd need to set up home.

Puzzled in Colorado writes Dear Abby today:

My husband and I received a wedding invitation from my nephew's son, whom we have never gotten to know very well. Included in the invitation was a deposit slip to a bank savings account "in lieu of gifts"! We later learned that everyone on the guest list received a deposit slip, even the grandmother.

So what do I know?

"Look, what are we going to get them?" I asked.

"I honestly don't know," said the Missus. "I can't see giving any of this stuff."

"You're right," I said. "We're going to have to go off the registry. Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it."

"Thanks," she said. "Use your best judgment."

I did. I got them "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo" on DVD. I hope they like classics.

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How about some classic, old-school hoops tomorrow? And by old-school I mean slow and lumbering, with lots of set shots.

Please let me know if you will or will not be playing at St. John's tomorrow. We tip off at 8:00 a.m., as usual. Bring a friend!

The view from beyond 24 Willie Mays Plaza

When he was 15, a young baseball player threw his glove into the air to celebrate a high school championship. This display of emotion brought disgrace to him and his family. "From that day forward," he says, "I never again showed my feelings in public."

Fifty-one years later the public shows its feelings for Sadaharu Oh everywhere he goes, crowds falling silent whenever he appears. He is baseball's true home run champ, revered as "the Babe Ruth of Japan." In his 22 seasons with the Tokyo Yomiuri Giants Oh hit 868 dingers, or 111 more than Bonds's current 757. He was also a five-time batting champion, an 18-time All-Star, won 11 championships, and was named the Central League's MVP nine times.

Successful as a manager as well, with three pennants and two Japan Series titles, he currently manages the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks.

God bless him, Barry Bonds has a long way to go before he will be known as "the Sadaharu Oh of America."

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Your reputation as the Michael Jordan of St. John's Hoops is secure, but for how long? Please let me know if you will or will not be playing Saturday. We tip off at 8:00 a.m., as usual.

Quit shoving, pops. You'll get yours.

It was decent of the Twins to postpone the groundbreaking for their new stadium after that big bridge fell down. When the Twins finally do get around to building their $522 million ballpark plenty of folks in the northern Twin Cities would love to come down to see a game. If only they could get there. Ditto the new Gopher football stadium.

As the rhetoric about America's aging infrastructure heats up, watch how it collides with certain parties' and candidates' "no new taxes" fixations—and how those collide with demographic realities.

Newsweek's Robert Samuelson this week points out how "commitments to the older population are slowly overwhelming other public goals; the national government is becoming mainly an income-transfer mechanism from younger workers to older retirees."

I'm all about low (or no!) taxes, but here's what Samuelson says:

[By] 2030, the 65-and-over population will nearly double to 71 million; its share of the population will rise to 20 percent from 12 percent. Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid—programs that serve older people—already exceed 40 percent of the $2.7 trillion federal budget. By 2030, their share could hit 75 percent of the present budget, projects the Congressional Budget Office.

He goes on, and the emphasis is mine:

To keep federal spending stable as a share of the economy would mean eliminating all defense spending and most other domestic programs (for research, homeland security, the environment, etc.). To balance the budget with existing programs at their present economic shares would require, depending on assumptions, tax increases of 30 percent to 50 percent—or budget deficits could quadruple.

So, to recap Jon Stewart-style: New stadiums, new bridges, everyone getting older, (cough) $500 billion war (cough), no new taxes.

Let's watch.

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Please let me know if you will or will not be playing hoops at St. John's tomorrow. We tip off at 8:00 a.m., as usual. Bring a friend!