Are you smarter than a fifth-grader?

I wonder. This is Garrett. If you're so smart, maybe you'd think twice about stepping on the court with Garrett.

Garrett was the eighth man last week and he more than held his own. Yes, that was Garrett popping—and hitting—fifteen footers over you. And that was Garrett going hard down the lane, getting you up in the air with a head fake, and nailing the up-and-under. Can you do that? You couldn't even do it in fifth grade.

Garrett can run all day. Look at him. He's barely sweating. If you're so smart how come you had three beers and fell asleep on the couch last night? How come all you had for breakfast was a donut? You can barely get up and down the court.

What are you, 40? Garrett is 10, yet he has four times the energy you do. Explain that math to me, Einstein. 

Wise up this week. Bring a friend and get there early. That way we won't need to recruit Garrett again. 

Please let me know if you will or will not be playing tomorrow. We tip off at 8:00 a.m., as usual.

Last week's attendance: 8

Eighth "man": Garrett

Redial

It was a good week for wiretaps.

---

CALL LOG 993878824

07 DEC 2008

15:22:16 CST

CALL INIT

MCHALE (CELL): Hello.

TAYLOR (OFFICE): Kevin, it's Glen.

M: Hi, Glen. What's up? It's Sunday.

T: I know what day it is. I--

M: You don't usually call on Sundays. I'm--

T: Look, Kevin. We need to talk.

M: What is it? Did Barriero-- I'm not going on Barriero. That guy--

T: It's Wittman. I think it's time to make a change.

M: Aw, Glen. We talked about this. Witt is--

T: Kevin, they lost by 23. They lost by 29 on Fri--

M: Glen the Lakers are the cream of the Western Conference.

T: Clippers. They played the Clippers.

M: [UNINTELLIGIBLE]

T: Kevin, where are you? 

M: Biwabik. Couple miles outside of Biwabik.

T: What are you-- Are you hunting?

M: [LAUGHS] Glen, hunting season is over!

T: Is this really the best time to be up nor--

[GUNSHOTS]

T: Kevin, what the hell is--

M: Glen, hold on. [UNINTELLIGIBLE]

M: I'm back. What--

T: Kevin, it's time to make a change. The guys are tuning Randy out. 

M: No, they're not. These guys are professionals. I believe in these guys.

T: Kevin, when's the last time you were at a game?

M: I was there, uh, I was there last week. A game last week. Against . . .

T: Witt's lost them. It's time to move on.

M: Aw, Glen. Come on. He's young. He's feeling his way. He'll figure it out.

T: Feeling his way? The longer he coaches the worse his record gets. When do we stop feeling our way? We've been feeling our way ever since Flip--

M: You're breaking up.

T: Ever since Flip--

M: Hold on. Got to get to a better spot.

T: Kevin.

M: Witt's got a system. The players will catch on. They are coming along. Look at Buckner.

T: Greg Buckner.

M: Buckner is--

T: Kevin, Greg Buckner is gone. He plays for Memphis.

M: Memphis? God, they're terrible.

T: Kevin, look. I think it's time for you to take charge.

M: I'm in charge, Glen. I'm on it. Over there, behind those trees.

T: What?

M: I wasn't talking to you, Glen. No, I've got it. I've got things under control. Fred--

T: I'm talking about coaching.

T: Kevin?

T: Kevin, I want you to let Wittman go and take over on the bench.

M: Glen.

T: These are your guys. They're your guys, Kevin. If you think they can get it done, show us.

M: Us?

T: Me. Jim. The fans.

M: The fans?

T: We're losing people, Kevin. Without the butts in the seats we--

M: But coaching. I . . . Glen . . .

T: It's time to step up, Kevin. These are your guys. If the roster is the problem, you're the--

M: Jeez, Glen. I've got little kids.

T: Kevin, your kids are in college. The boy is, what, fifteen? He doesn't care if--

M: How about Casey? Casey is just--

T: What? Are you saying we bring back Dway--

M: He was five hundred, Glen!

T: We fired Casey. You said--

M: We could get Terry Porter. Terry would come here!

T: The Suns are in second place. Why would--

M: He loved it here! Glen--

T: I'm sorry, Kevin. This is it. Get back to Minneapolis. I scheduled a press conference for tomorrow.

M: I don't have a clean [UNINTELLIGIBLE]

T: And start thinking about the Jazz. Tuesday night.

M: Criminy, Glen. The Jazz?

T: Tuesday night, Kevin. Get your sport coat out.

M: Glen?

T: What is it?

M: Petersen. I could take Petersen's spot with Hanneman. Pete wants to coach.

T: See you tomorrow, Kevin.

M: Glen?

CALL TERM

07 DEC 2008

15:34:22 CST

---

Let me know if you will or will not be playing hoops at St. John's tomorrow. We tip off at 8:00 a.m., as usual.

Last week's attendance: 10

Eighth man: Jason Kapanke

Oh, that guy

You don't want to be that guy, do you? You know that guy. 

Shows up 40 minutes late and then whines when everyone wants to hang it up. Calls traveling but never on himself. 

That guy is always open, always has a good shot. And his guy scored only because you didn't help in time. You know that guy's got a bad knee, so you gotta cover his left. Come on!

Man, that guy is fast. But only with the ball in his hand. Otherwise he's the guy yelling "Little help!" from 30 feet behind you.

Did you foul that guy? Of course you did. Just ask him. That guy even calls charging fouls—on you.

The only thing that guy won't call is three seconds—but he will start counting obnoxiously if he notices your heel touching the lane: "Six... Seven... Eight..."

You don't want to be that guy. You know who's not that guy? Matt Etzell and Steve Cervenik. Each has recently won the prestigious Eighth Man Award. How about you? Will you be in the running this week? Let me know if you will or will not be playing at st. John's tomorrow. We tip off at 8:00 a.m., as usual.