Dirty money

Everybody needs money. That's why they call it money." —David Mamet

Strange, isn't it, to hear so many politicians talking about the size of their package. Most think the other guy's package is too small or, even stranger, too big. All seem to agree that stimulus is needed, however. I'd say insert your Larry Craig joke here, but the former Idaho Senator's term was up last month.

You know who's got a good deal going? No, not that CEO who paid for the $1,200 wastebasket with your money. Todd Palin, that's who. I love that guy. And by "love" I mean I want to punch him in the face every time I see his puss. Check it: That guy has won the "prestigious" "Iron Dog" "snow machine" "race" four times.

The Iron Dog's sponsors include Conoco-Phillips and Tesoro. (You may have heard Alaska produces some oil.) Chris Kelly, writer for Real Time with Bill Maher (I know—I don't like him, either) points out the timing of Todd Palin's four wins: Once after Sarah was elected to the Wasilla City Council, once after she was elected mayor, the year she was appointed to the Alaska Oil and Gas Commission, and the year she was elected governor.

Speaking of questionable enterprises (bailouts?), I saw that lady with the eight babies (I know—I don't like her, either) has a website where you can send her cash to say "Thank you for having eight babies so broadcasters would have something to put on the air all day!"

Someone I know thinks the eight-baby lady will prompt legislation regarding "assisted reproductive technology." (Thinking of a way to work "term limits" into the bit at this point...) I'm not so sure. You're talking about the same (mostly) dudes who, when presented with an $800 billion economic stimulus bill, zeroed in on the tiny, tiny amount that had to do with regulating condom flavors. (I wish I could have sent money to someone to say "Thank you for arguing about the condom part of the economic stimulus bill so broadcasters would have something to put on the air all day.") Hard to imagine the same group would find a way to zero in on a bill legislating how many children a woman can conceive at one time, much less sell it to all the voters who would suddenly discover, and fight to the death to protect, their constitutional right to have eight babies.

You know the best bailout of all time? When George Bailey's friends showed up at his house on Christmas Eve and dumped money all over his table so he could make good on the missing $8,000. His friends, not the government. Face to face, not online.

The funny thing about It's a Wonderful Life is that all the tension is based on the idea that George Bailey is in serious trouble, that he's going to go to jail over the missing eight grand. Chances are he wouldn't have been in much trouble at all. After all, the money was lost, not stolen or embezzled, as would have been corroborated by others. So there's no criminal case. And the Bailey Building & Loan's depositors and shareholders would have been made whole by the money donated by George's friends, so there's no civil case.

You know who was probably in legal hot water? Mr. Potter. He stole the money. He knew what it was and who it belonged to, but he kept it. That's theft.

Lessons: Bank executives and Alaska politicians are crooked. It's crazy to have more than a few babies at a time even if it is legal. Keep your friends close because you will need them.

Speaking of which, several of your friends will be playing ball at St. John's tomorrow. Care to join them? Let me know if you will or will not be playing. We tip off at 8:00 a.m.