I never drink . . . wine

I am finally connecting the dots. A list of words and phrases in the poposphere the meaning of which has heretofore eluded me:

Twilight—a movie but possibly a TV show, or a movie with a TV show spinoff

Pattinson—sexiest man alive

Vampires—popular again, but no longer have anything to do with Buffy

I keep seeing these words and related images—on the web, at the checkout, on teasers for that late-night celebfest that's not "Entertainment Tonight" but is just like it. I had the vague feeling I was missing out on some massive pop kultcha thang, but I just didn't have the time or interest to suss out the details.

Today I seem to have reached the tipping point. It was a teaser video on The Daily Beast. I saw the sexy-man, and the words "vampire Pattinson sexy film opens hordes" floated off the screen, like that cool effect on "Numb3rs" where the geeky brother suddenly realizes how the generating polynomial of the Fibonacci recursion points to the husband and the crowbar.

So here's what I think I know. I have a +6 confidence level in these assumptions, meaning I am comfortable enough to respond to but not initiate small talk on this subject, or roughly the equivalent of NHL hockey.

• There is a movie called "Twilight" that is super popular. It came out a while ago (more than year, but not more than two) while I wasn't paying attention. It's about vampires. Everyone has seen it except me. One of its stars is an actor named Pattinson, and he is the hunk du jour. There may also be a hot female co-star; there is a gap in my knowledge here.
• Something about the treatment of the vampires in "Twilight" is really groundbreaking. Revolutionary. I mean, no one's ever depicted vampires this way before. It's just incredible how you just get right inside their souls, how you actually want to be a vampire. In vampire movies, as in football and school lunches, there is nothing new under the sun. But this is the buzz.
• Mr. Pattinson may or may not be People magazine's 2009 Sexiest Man Alive, but I know that list was just released this week so I can tread water with something like, "Hey, did you see the People Sexiest Man Alive list yet? Is Pattinson #1?"
• A sequel to "Twilight" is about to hit theaters. It has "Moon" in the title. Because of this I suspect werewolves might be involved but I'm not certain of this.
• We will be seeing a lot of Mr. Pattinson in the coming weeks. Also there will be lots of vampire jokes at the 2010 Oscars.

How am I doing? Next week: What I may or may not know about this couple that goes by "Jon & Kate."

Oh, yes: No hoops at St. John's this week. Watch for info about next Saturday, November 28.