Ask your doctor

Correspondent Bob Root writes:

I just saw an ad for an acid reflux medicine called Aciphex. Look at that for minute and say it. They pronounced it ass-effects.

The other night during the Fiesta Bowl a pharmaceutical ad came on and after about 30 seconds I began to realize the announcer had been reciting the disclaimer copy for virtually the entire spot (over footage of healthy people making a salad and going for a walk, naturally). I turned up the volume. The disclaimer went on another 15 seconds. I tapped The Missus and said, "This is the longest disclaimer ever." It went on for at least another 30 seconds.

The ratio of disclaimer to actual description and benefits in this ad was around 10:1. The side effects were horrific, everything up to and including the urge to kill and eat your children. No way the problem could be worse than the cure.

The next day I saw a print ad for another new drug, this with a full-page photo of a sad-looking woman sitting on the stairs. The headline mentioned "bipolar depression" (which sounds a lot like "arthritis cataracts," but never mind). The facing page was all small-print disclaimer copy. So were the next two pages, and the two pages after that.

I read through the equally off-putting side effects (excessive urination, confusion, suicidal thoughts, permanent uncontrollable movements of the face and tongue) and thought, perhaps uncharitably: For heaven's sake, for this price have a couple brandy Manhattans and try harder to cheer up.

Right before New Years I went for my first physical in 12 years. The nurse and later the doctor reviewed my forms, looked at me with a puzzled expression, looked at my forms again and asked, somewhat incredulously, "So . . . no medications? You're not taking anything . . . ?"

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Here's a prescription for the five pounds you put on over Christmas: Play hoops at St. John's this weekend. And bring a friend.

Please let me know if you will or will not be playing. We tip off at 8:00 a.m.